Love and Understanding

Nobody in the world has the mental capabilities to understand fully someone else's problems until they themselves go through the same experience.

I remember watching a documentary on dementia when I was in my mid teens and thinking to myself, I hope I never have to go through that with anyone I love. I guess because of my selfish thought, for I was only thinking of myself, I am now saddened with the prospect of my grandpa not ever knowing who I am again. He calls me Jessica, my cousin, or sis, my aunt. He won't look me in the eye. He says the same things over and over again. Some days five times, some days 50 times.

Its frustrating, to say the least, for me so I can only imagine what my grandma is feeling. She, who loves my grandpa so very much, has to deal with the fact that her husband of 55 years doesn't know who she is...deal with the fact that he doesn't understand why he can't remember things he once knew as fact. Strength isn't all about muscle, it's about soul, its about heart, and its about knowing when to say, "I cannot do it on my own."

So here I am at a crossroads. On one side I see the frailty that the disease, dementia, puts on a, once larger than life, strong as Samson, man. A downward spiral of confusion, darkness, violence, and fear plague my grandpa and we have no means by which to battle the odds. On the other side is a strength of heart and of soul so deep its astounding and staggering at the same time. I say strength of soul because my grandma had a decision, to keep my grandpa at home or to have him placed in an environment that is geared towards making people with this disease more comfortable. The decision wasn't an easy black and white but a murky, foggy, dismal gray. There are people who disagree with it and my grandma made the decision with my grandpas best interest in the forefront. She had strength of heart just by letting him go.

I never seem to doubt the love of my family because even if we don't vocalize, and believe me we have a hard time with putting our feelings into verbalization, we show our immense love for one another in what we do. From dropping everything, even important things, and running to the store with a loved one that just needs a little adult interaction. To biting our tongues with a loved one who might be a little scared over future events. To knowing that sometimes the best place for someone we love just might happen to be somewhere other than with us.

Our love shows, our hearts are big, our hands are open, our love shows.